Every super-duper “totes masc” macho man knows that putting anything between your butt cheeks makes you instantly gay, especially if that thing is a sparkly g-string, a finger or another man. But apparently some ultra-masculine men are so unwaveringly heterosexual that they aren’t wiping butts, even their own! And they won’t put toilet paper or even soap between their butt cheeks. No sir!
David Futrell — the writer behind We Hunted the Mammoth, a website that skewers contemporary misogyny — pointed out this gross phenomenon by sharing a tweet in which a woman’s boyfriend explains (quite angrily) that he doesn’t wipe after using the bathroom because “a real man doesn’t go in between his cheeks or spread them open for anything.”
God, we hope this woman made up this story about wiping butts.
Okay. So my husband is turning me off. We’ve been married for two months. What should I do? He wears white briefs. When I was washing the clothes, the whole seat of his underwear had brown stains in them. It made me sick. Then once … I was riding him, then after we were done and he got up, there was a brown streak where his ass had been on the bed.
So I finally got some personal cleansing cloths and put them on top of the toilet. He never touched them. I finally mentioned the personal cleansing cloths. He got pissed and screamed in my face. He told me that a real man doesn’t go in between his cheeks or spread them open for anything. Men do not spread their cheeks to wipe or clean … nothing goes between them.
What needs to happen here? Suggestions? Advice? No bashing!
We’d find it hilarious if his butt-phobic homophobia didn’t negatively affect his seemingly reasonable partner. And god help them if they have any pets — poor things.
A weird part of toxic masculinity is not knowing how to poop properly. pic.twitter.com/P3ilrIGsxT
— Keith Calder (@keithcalder) October 12, 2017
Just know this, all straight and LGBTQ readers: cleaning your butt doesn’t make you gay or bisexual — we promise. You can clean your butt. You have our blessing. We won’t tell.
This incredibly weird tale comes on the heels of all sorts of new labels for guys eager to avoid labelling themselves as gay or bi: there’s “androphiles” for so-called ‘alt-right’ gay men who dislike stereotypically gay things (like shopping) and “g0ys” for misogynist homosexuals who fear anal sex. Also, straight guys who want to have gay sex without all the associated social stigma just call it “buddy baiting” and “buddy sex.” Cute.
Are you gay enough to continue wiping butts? Let us know.
This article was originally published on Oct. 20, 2018