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The millionth Republican presidential debate took place this week, not that we blame you if you missed it — who wants to watch a bunch of self-involved adults stomping and whining like bratty kids? Their behavior has been so notoriously bad during the debates that it recently compelled writer David Waldman to tweet this:
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
— David Waldman (@KagroX) January 15, 2016
The sheer genius of it made us wonder, “Which Willy Wonka character would each Republican candidate be?” So we’ve listed out the big ones below; and just to be clear, we’re referencing the characters from the 1971 musical film rather than the original book or the 2005 remake. We hope you find our list scrumdiddlyumptious!
Donald Trump is Veruca Salt
C’moooooon… they’re both wealthy, spoiled-rotten control-freaks who wig out when things don’t go their way — sometimes that means trashing a room full of giant geese, other times it means refusing to show up to national debates. They both pay others to do their dull dirty-work and make enemies wherever they go; they’re real bad eggs.
Mike Huckabee is Augustus Gloop
As one of the first
golden ticket winners GOP presidential candidates (with a robust appetite for chewing on scenery), Huckabee and Gloop both seemed poised to win the chocolate factory that is ‘murica. However, they both got sucked down the tubes early into the adventure. Now Huckabee has a four percent approval rating. Being first ain’t everything.
Chris Christie is Violet Beauregarde
Like Miss Beauregarde, Christie is a loudmouth know-it-all who’s always touting his own dumb accomplishments: for Violet, it’s chewing a piece of gum longer than anyone else; for Chris, it’s getting rid of common core educational standards in New Jersey (something he didn’t actually do by the way). Christie and Beauregarde also share a habit of getting all puffed up and purple in the face when they’ve bitten off more than they can chew — and oh, is it fun to watch!
Ben Carson is Mike Teavee
Brain surgeon Dr. Carson and Mike Teavee are both awed by their newfound celebrity and have retreated into a fantasy land of made-up stories — like when Carson called the ancient Egyptian pyramids a bunch of grain silos (something Egypt called flat-out nonsense). Like Teavee, Carson gets all big-eyed and wondrous whenever he’s pushed in front of cameras; almost makes you think he’s gonna get broken up into little bits and reformed into a smaller bite-size version of himself somewhere else.
Carly Fiorina is Doris Teavee
Even though Carly Fiorina is actually younger than Carson, her know-nothing blather makes her a lot like Mike Teavee’s mom. Even though Doris Teavee is a teacher, she confuses Mozart for Rachmaninoff. And even though Fiorina ran Hewlett-Pakard, she also ran it into the ground. Aaaand she made up shit about Planned Parenthood selling baby parts (a claim a Texas judge found so incredulous that he indicted its creators). Just shows that the teacher isn’t nearly as smart as she thinks.
Marco Rubio is Charlie Bucket
It’s not that Rubio is virtuous (in the movie, Charlie wasn’t virtuous either: he stole some Fizzy Lifting Drink and considered selling an Everlasting Gobstopper to Wonka’s business rival). Rather, it’s that Rubio is bland and forgettable. Nevertheless, he might be the last one standing after the rest of the kids get sucked down the tubes.
Jeb Bush is an Oompa Loompa
Like the Oompa Loompas, Bush is stuck in a place he doesn’t even want to be. The whole frustrating experience has made his skin turn orange. And despite any hard work, it’s pretty obvious he’s not gonna win the factory either. Perhaps if he tried singing while he worked? Everyone loves a good work-song!
Ted Cruz is Slugworth
What better establishment candidate is there than Slugworth 2016? He’s made a name for himself as an underhanded, ineffective leader, and now he wants that brand to go global! Both men look like they’re carrying a turd in their mouths and are as warm as a burned-down orphanage.
John Kasich is Mr. Turkentine
He’s that boring character that no one ever remembers.
Rick Santorum is The Chocolate River
Just like the river that churns all the factory’s chocolate, Mr. “Frothy Mix” is a barely noticeable; he’s just a background set-piece that makes a lot of noise but will give you nausea and diarrhea if you ingest too much.