Receiving an anonymous chocolate penis in the mail can mean so many different things. Maybe you have a secret admirer who knows you love chocolate and penis, making the package a win-win. But maybe there’s someone in your life who can’t stand the ground you walk on, and so is telling you to “eat a dick” in the most literal way. Maybe there’s a special someone in your life who you think deserves a chocolate penis landing on their doorstep.
Whatever your motivation for mailing someone a chocolate penis, there’s really only one company you can rely on to make it happen. Enter “Dick At Your Door.” (Yes, that’s the actual name of the business.)
Allowing you to send a (vegan) chocolate penis to the front door of anyone in the world, Dick At Your Door has officially created the perfect gag gift. And these chocolate penises are the real deal — life-size, hefty, with the balls included and with all the veins you’d expect on a beautiful penis, you may get turned-on, and not just because chocolate is an aphrodisiac.
Dick At Your Door offers four chocolate penis options:
1. For your friend who has a birthday coming up, opt for the Happy Birthday Dick, which comes with a custom birthday card for your male or female penis-loving friend celebrating their big day. ($30)
2. Perfect for wide range of situations, from a gift to spice up a bachelor or bachelorette party to the perfect anonymously sent “gift” for that neighbor whose dog always takes a dump in your yard, The Don comes in a sleek black box that tells the recipient, straight up, to “eat a dick.” ($20)
3. The ideal replacement for that cliché bouquet of roses you were going to purchase for your special someone, The Blossom Box reveals a hefty dong inside its feminine, flowery package. ($20)
4. Last, for people who prefer white chocolate to the real deal — also known as people undeserving of life on planet Earth — here’s The White Walker. I will judge you if you buy this one. ($20)
Thanks to Dick At Your Door, the act of sending someone the perfect “I Love You” (or “I Freaking Hate You”) gift has never been so easy.
Now, the bad news: the four chocolate penis options offered by Dick At Your Door are all temporarily on hold due to the company running out of stock. That’s right, there simply aren’t enough chocolate penises in the world to accommodate the number of the people who need them. Fortunately, though, a visit to the Dick At Your Door site allows you to submit your email for an immediate notification once their chocolate penis business model is once again up and running.
And if you simply can’t wait for these chocolate penis options to be back in stock, may we suggest sending a chocolate version of your own anus? That’s a thing, too.